No Earthly intentions

Jug Suraiya

Jug Suraiya

Two inhabitants, XYZTP213 and YXZPT132, from a galaxy called ZYXUV123, zooming towards Earth in the starship having travelled 13 billion light years in a span of 15 minutes through a wormhole in space…

XYZTP213: Well, here we are. Should we land and introduce ourselves to the Earthlings, telling them that we would like them to join our Federation of Cosmic Harmony which has brought peace and prosperity to the whole universe, barring just their tiny little planet?

YXZPT132: I think we should observe them from a distance for a while. Probably safer that way. Our remote-scanning research has indicated that Earthlings are an extremely aggressive species, forever fighting with each other.

XYZTP213: Fighting? You mean to say they still haven’t got over such infantile behaviour?

YXZPT132: I’m afraid not. If we land on their planet unannounced, they could well start fighting with us.

XYZTP213: Good grief! What a horrid thought. All us members of the Federation of Cosmic Harmony genetically modified our bodily systems long ago so that we can no longer resort to any form of aggression and other kinds of anti-social behaviour.

YXZPT132: Well, Earthlings have a very, very long way to go before they reach that stage. In fact, there’s a whole lot of fighting going on Earth right now.

XYZTP213: Really? Who’s fighting whom?

YXZPT132: I think a more appropriate question would be who isn’t fighting whom. Earthlings haven’t had just World War I, they’ve had World War II, as well. And they almost had World War III when a place called the US killed a very prominent person of another place called Iran.

XYZTP213: How awful. Why did the US do such a thing?

YXZPT132: Apparently to bring peace and stability to Earth.

XYZTP213: You go around killing people to bring peace and stability? What kind of logic is that?

YXZPT132: It’s Earthling logic. Then there’s this other thing happening called Brexit in a place known as Europe.

XYZTP213: Brexit? What does that mean?

YXZPT132: Basically it means that disunity is better than unity.

XYZTP213: This Earthling logic sure is tough to understand. Anything else?

YXZPT132: Plenty else. In a place called India everyone is fighting everyone else because of something called the CAA and something else called the NRC.

XYZTP213: What’s CAA and NRC that everyone’s fighting about?

YXZPT132: Nobody seems to know exactly. Which is why they’re fighting.

XYZTP213: So Earthlings fight when they don’t even know what they’re fighting about?

YXZPT132: They fight most when they don’t know what they’re fighting about. And the biggest fight they’re having is with their own planet, Earth itself. The fight is called man-made climate change and it’s going to destroy Earth and all Earthlings themselves.

XYZTP213: Isn’t someone trying to stop them?

YXZPT132: Someone is. She’s called Greta Thunberg, but no one listens to her because she’s only a child, and a girl child at that, so, she doesn’t count.

XYZTP213: You know, I don’t think we should ask these self-destructive types to join our Federation of Cosmic Harmony, which they’d end up making a mess off.

YXZPT132: I agree. Why on Earth should we do that?

And, quick as a wink, the great starship goes back to its distant galaxy.