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Parenting during the pandemic

The pandemic has turned our world topsy-turvy, as also of our children. With the young ones staying at home, the guiding norms of parenting need to be recalibrated

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Suditi Jindal

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

These famous lines of a poem by Kahlil Gibran come to my mind whenever I think of children — my own or others. The present times of the pause (lockdown is not the word for me) have thrown a new challenge at parents with their young children at home.

Begin from the beginning

Behind every action is a thought and behind every thought is intent. Let us examine and settle our intent for parenting our children. According to parenting expert Dr Shefali Tsabary, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realise you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature.” We are to provide our children with the most conducive environment to grow. This is composed of physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual elements. We learn about parenting from our children, as much as they learn about life from us. Therefore, it is a two-way learning for both. 

Next is our thought that determines our parenting style, which is to influence our children, and not manage them. Our children are not a task that needs to be tended to. 

The next step of developing a positive parenting style involves our action, and our children will not follow our advice but will follow our example. This, however, is not so simple.

We have to develop a knack to display genuine enthusiasm for every chore we do, whether at home or outside it. However, these days the chores will be restricted to those within our house. We cannot expect a child to feel good about making his/her bed if we ourselves detest it and grumble about it. Also, it is not humanly possible to simply adore every task that we do in life, so we must learn to be honest about our dislike and express it thus. A cribbing parent is a big irritant for the child. It serves us in good stead to openly declare that we do not like doing a particular piece of work and seek help in doing it.

It cannot be stressed enough at this point that times have changed. As parents, we have to innovate parenting and make it suitable to fulfil the present-day needs. If our world has turned topsy-turvy because of the pandemic, so has that of our children. A few practices that have helped many parents to preserve their sanity and still be a relevant parent have been shared here:

Care for the caregiver

Parents should take good care of themselves before offering any care to their children. A cranky and irritated parent rears an anxious and irritable child. We should steal a few minutes or an hour exclusively for ourselves, before the day begins. Do whatever we like, such as, strolling in our lawn as we sip the tea, meditating in the sunrise light, or exercising. Once we are fully charged, our day will not lack luster.

Develop and follow a routine

We should have a time-table for ourselves and plan our tasks for the day keeping in mind everybody’s schedule. Developing a similar time-table for children is also essential. Once they see us following the schedule, they will naturally fall in line. Some common activities in everyone’s schedule can be meal-times, time to get ready for the day, sleep-times and play-time, among others.

Strike a balance

The time spent at home should be a balance between household chores, tasks related to work or school in case of children, and time for relaxation and recreation. We can prioritise our time and distribute it differently among various activities. However, our schedule should have time for rejuvenation and connecting with the family. It is also a good idea to keep shuffling the time-table to keep it fresh and exciting.

Monitor screen time

A lot of our life is happening online, but our parents managed to thrive and live a fulfilling life before the advent of the internet. As parents, we should make an effort to incorporate a few of the activities from those times to make our life during present days as happy and content. I rediscovered an engaging activity of going through the old newspapers in search of quotes during this pause. My children and I search a quote, note it down in our ‘quotable quotes diary’ and then discuss it to understand it. We have thus developed not only a repository of quotes, but have etched these in our memory by writing these down and discussing these. Interestingly, some words have become triggers for memories of our time spent together.

Don’t hesitate to seek help

We can seek professional help or help from our friends and family members when our methods to create a happy and wholesome environment are not yielding the desired results. It is a good idea to talk to your friend about your frustration and just let out the steam. This has helped many acquire a fresh perspective and come up with a more successful strategy to beat the odds. Social distancing only implies physical distancing, and not emotional distancing.

Instill a sense of gratefulness

The present times are the time to actually demonstrate the attitude of gratitude. We should celebrate the new challenges with our children and the new achievements they bring to our life, once we overcome them.

Prof Alan Delamater of Miami Miller School of Medicine in one of his articles said, “Teaching children the habit of gratitude would appear to be good for their long-term mental health, as well as increasing pro-social behaviours that benefit the community and society as a whole.” Our very own Puducherry Governor Dr Kiran Bedi in a recent interview with interns stressed upon teaching children gratitude.

The present times are a pause. The pause is only here to break the old pattern of our life, it is not here to put on hold our life. So let us all rise up to the occasion of being better versions of our parenting-self in the changed times, and embrace with joy the new-age parent-child relationship.

Develop life skills

The present times are the best to learn the basic survival skills, and the more advanced life skills. Of course, it takes lesser time and it is easier to roll out a chapatti than to teach our child to do so, but we must make use of this time to invest in his/her upskilling. This also provides a good opportunity to bond over our busy lives. Remember to teach the new skill with a smile so that the child does not approach it with distaste. As parents, we should not be negligent of acquiring new skills ourselves, such as, better communication with other family members, keeping in regular touch with near and dear ones who don’t live with you, new ways to do our work from home.

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