International Women's Day Special: The new Indian woman is remaking the man

Renu Sud Sinha & Sarika Sharma

CHANDIGARH-based Gurmeet Kaur first understood about inequality as a Class XI science student. Discrimination in favour of boys from upper middle-class families was so pronounced that it affected her mental health and she eventually turned to arts during graduation. A co-incidental exposure to the subject of gender studies was the turning point of her life. The hesitant girl from a marginalised community had found her happy space. The subject made her understand the terminology and the context of biases she has been facing due to her gender. It also empowered her enough to not just speak for herself but create awareness among other women about their rights and help fight for these.

The science dropout, who is now pursuing her doctorate in gender studies, could very well be one of the new faces of the Indian woman who has found agency in her evolved avatar.

And this agency is helping women to reject the patriarchal definition of womanhood, feels Anubha Yadav, an academician and author.

“Steeped in old scripts of masculinity, men, on the other hand, want to hold on to status quo,” says Shrayana Bhattacharya, a development economist. Her recent book, ‘Desperately Seeking Shah Rukh’ is based on a decade-long study, where the superstar’s fandom has been a conversation starter with young women across class, caste and regions about the realities and challenges of their life — men, money and misogyny. “This confident and changed woman now wants a partner, and not protector,” adds Shrayana.

With a degree and payslip in hand, she is pushing the range of her freedom. “After educational and financial independence, the next level that needs to be achieved is emotional independence and I can see a slight movement,” adds Anubha.

Men, Shrayana says, are frightened of this new confident femininity. “As women are stepping out and taking on additional roles, besides that of the mother and caregiver, men are wondering what their role in society is. This insecurity has created conflict and violence. This downside has only one good thing about it: more women are resisting and speaking up,” she adds.

A very subtle change has been happening, says Pam Rajput, Professor Emeritus Panjab University. “With women emerging out of their cocoons, relationships are changing and men are valuing their women more. This is not to say that violence against women is not happening. They are still subjected to it. Only, not as much,” she says, insisting that the focus now should be on women labourers. They are not aware of their rights. “Any voice against discrimination or sexual harassment would mean losing the job that very moment. It is a long way to go for women in the unorganised sector,” says Rajput.

For documentary filmmaker Rahul Roy, who dealt with masculinity in his film ‘When Four Friends Meet’, revisiting it 12 years later in ‘Till We Meet Again’, the new man is certainly a creation of the new woman. “He doesn’t have a choice. The women have made the journey emotionally and financially; politically and economically. If men don’t catch, they will be left behind,” he says.

We cannot change women without the men changing, and men will not change unless we understand their problems. Men across ages are feeling trapped in traditional parameters and expectations of masculinity. Deepa Narayan, Author of ‘Chup’

It was once said that aurat badlegi, samaj badlega. I now say that for society to change, men need to change. Abha Bhaiya, Founder, Jagori

He explains by way of the issue of migration. “With more and more men having to leave their native homes to work outside, two things happen: they have to cook their own food and do things they wouldn’t have otherwise done. Simultaneously, women become in charge of native homes. With more and more women in work spaces, men have to deal with women. And they are learning how to do that well.” Roy says it has changed man at home dramatically. “The father, earlier a distant figure, is now more in know of what the needs of children are in terms of education and otherwise.” However, he says that while this might sound good on the surface, the troubling part is that men also become more patriarchal and bossy at home, interfering with how must kids be reared in what was entirely woman’s domain earlier, creating an unequal power structure. “And unequal power structures take a long time to change,” he points.

Sociologist Sreedeep Bhattacharya calls this battle an ongoing process. “Men are not willing to give up the power they have enjoyed for long. Education and financial independence may have ensured more equality in the outer domain but not in domestic domain, as there is no equal division of labour or rather there is strict division of labour based on traditional gender roles.”

For this imbalance of power to shift and adjust, we need to treat men not as adversaries but as equal partners, says TED speaker and former senior World Bank adviser Deepa Narayan. Her book ‘Chup: Breaking The Silence About India’s Women’, based on over 600 interviews, reveals that under the surface of a smart attire and exterior of a liberated urban woman with mistaken belief and claims of gender equality, there’s a huge gap between belief and behaviour. The change is only on the surface, raised as they are in a patriarchal culture of silence, adjustment and pleasing the men. “We cannot change women without the men changing and men will not change unless we understand their problems and change the definitions of a good woman, or man or masculinity. Men across ages, even as young as seven years are feeling trapped in traditional parameters/expectations of masculinity — strong, silent, even good looks.”

Kangra-based Abha Bhaiya, founder of Jagori, has been working on gender equality at the grassroots. She feels the increased cyber crimes against women and rise in number of cases of domestic violence during the pandemic tell a different story. “A new woman alone will never be able to change the man. It is his educational processes, the media and the global network that he is part of that define him.” However, she says there is no doubt that a small number of men are changing, but these men don’t become an icon for the other men, which means that a large number of them remain the same.

Mandi Gobindgarh’s Dilpreet Singh, studying gender studies at Panjab University, Chandigarh, has been trolled, taunted, judged — from his choice of subject to being sensitive to fellow female students and, in particular, defending and supporting them on various issues. “As parameters of masculinity are rigid, men are even afraid to engage in debates or conversations on gender equality due to peer pressure and not just by other men but by women too.”

Lecturer of English from Kullu Charu Ahluwalia Bhapa points at a certain dichotomy in her own class. “The millennial boys and girls hug each other on meeting, hang out together and even have common study peer groups. But, every time I enter the classroom for my lecture, I see a Lakshman Rekha dividing the class: all boys on one side and all girls on the other. Any girl who crosses that line is mocked at; never obvious, but I can sense it in the eyes of male students because they cannot stand a woman who can cross over her pre-defined limits.” She feels woman’s emancipation is not only about creating a new space for her, but is also about altering the perception of the opposite gender.

Delhi’s Kush Wadhwa is doing just that. Facing some relationships issues, he sought couple counselling because he genuinely wanted to understand and address his partner’s concerns. He did the ‘unthinkable for a man’ — he openly communicated his feelings. He was called out for being sensitive towards women. “Now my friends, and even those who made fun of me, want to be like me because they realise this quality is appreciated by the opposite gender and helps in building better bonds with their girlfriends/partners.”

This transformation has spread outside the four walls into the professional sphere too. Armed with the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 in place and the Vishakha Guidelines at work, women are in a better space. Nishtha Anand, author of ‘Awakening the Rainmaker: A Guide to Gender Equality’, says corporate offices are going the extra mile to make the workplace safer and de-biased, the latter being stressed upon via training sessions and seminars. “These sessions address both conscious and unconscious biases — the latter stressed upon. Managers are given training in hiring women without any bias vis-a-vis their marital status and their eventual pregnancies in mind. Such training ensures the manager keeps a check on himself,” says Anand, who has been giving talks to MBA students too. “They are the ones who will be entering the force. It is imperative they have a neutral mindset.”

Nearly a decade after the POSH Act (the Sexual Harassment of Women at Workplace — Prevention, Prohibition, and Redressal Act, 2013), the impact is visible. “Women speak up now, confident that their concerns/ grievances will be appropriately addressed,” says an HR professional with nearly 23 years of experience. “There is a huge corresponding change in male attitudes. As the action is usually swift in most cases, they are behaving, rather terrified. It is the fear that is making them fall in line. However, the boys’ club is not completely gone. The push for awareness in the form of workshops is because the club still exists. However, not all men are members of this club. The younger generation is more aware and empathetic even if ignorant at times. However, if or when attention is drawn to their inadvertent inappropriate responses, most are contrite,” she adds.

Chandigarh-based HR consultant Rohit Chawla agrees. “Workshops on POSH help create awareness among women and consciousness among men, particularly about language dynamics and interactions.”

While the corporate world has found solutions in these training modules, how do we bring about this change in society?

Abha says to bring in true change, boys need to be raised differently. Hammering in the point is Sonora Jha, author of ‘How to Raise a Feminist Son’. “We have been raising girls to be feminists for a few generations now. But boys and men need to pass the microphone, move over, get out of the way, and push the pedestal from under their own feet to dismantle structures. Structural sexism and misogyny harm women and men alike. For instance, men shouldn’t have to carry the burden of being protectors and providers; they should be able to enjoy being the stay-at-home parent if that’s what the couple decides.”

Abha says the government has to take a much stronger step and make gender equality integral to the educational curriculum, right from primary school onwards. “It was once said that aurat badlegi, samaj badlega. I now say that for society to change, men need to change,” she adds.

Author, screenwriter and filmmaker Anu Singh Choudhary says what girls have been taught for centuries should now be imparted to boys. “As men struggle to catch up with the reality of the evolved women, now we should raise our sons like daughters to bring a balance between masculine and feminine energies,” says the woman behind series such as ‘Grahan’ and ‘Arya’. “Even for equality, women need the equity of reservation to bring about the much-needed social change,” says Anu, who is keen to bring these nuances in her Hindi adaption of the breakthrough Malayalam film ‘The Great Indian Kitchen’ that captures everyday horrors of sexism inside our homes.

Clinical psychologist Ashita Mahendru says that to bring calmness to this battle of sexes, communication and adjustment remain the key. “Only now the manifestation of this adjustment is within intellectual parameters.”

Deepa is a step ahead as she is already providing a non-judgmental listening space to both men and women in her ‘Chup’ circles and podcast on masculinity in India called ‘What’s a Man’? More than 250 interviews of educated middle and upper-class boys and men will be aired. Let’s listen to their mann ki baat.