Mother of all battles

Ashima S Batish

Settle down. How would a woman do that in Indian society’s parlance? By finding the right match, or getting married, or planning a baby soon after. Or even better, by tending to the newborn. Last year, an eminent journalist asked Sania Mirza about her plans to ‘settle down’. It irked the tennis sensation no end — “The first is marriage and then it’s motherhood. Unfortunately, that’s when we’re settled, and no matter how many Wimbledons we win or number ones in the world we become, we don’t become settled.”

Model-turned-actor Lisa Haydon has done both. She has got married and is about to have a baby. So, has she settled down? She is well aware of the ‘labelling’ part of it, and how people correlate it with the will to work. In a recent interview to a fashion magazine, without mincing words, she asserted, “In India, if you get married, let alone have a baby, it’s assumed you’re not that interested in work. Lisa ‘settled down’, they’ll say.” 

Now ‘they’ can be very judgmental.  And ‘they’ have their prototypes all around. And ‘they’ love to give unsolicited advice. New mothers have always been a hot-favourite subject. Those trying-to-be-serious come up with “It’s time to take a break from work now.” The more dramatic ones pop: “Oh, you are still working, who will look after the little one!” Model Krishna Somani, a mother to twins, has been there, faced that. “People won’t come and say it to your face, ‘you won’t be able to do justice to your work anymore,’ you just notice a visible change.”After becoming a mother, she withdrew socially. Stopped attending parties, skipped get-togethers. “But it was assumed that since I am not marking my attendance at dos, I am taking a break from work as well.” Professionalism and socialising are measured by the same yardstick.

Elsewhere, Mitali Thakur, a banker in the public sector, would commute by public transport for an hour to reach her office in Shimla. She worked throughout her pregnancy, met crucial deadlines and demanding targets. “However, after I joined back post maternity leave, I smelt a change in the attitude of those around me.” Her colleagues started doubting her efficiency and concentration at work. “I am not denying being disoriented initially, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t interested in work.” Performance milestones achieved by the end of the financial year ended all speculation. 

Something started this year in March. A tug of war. Between stay-at-home moms and their working counterparts. Fuelled by Mira Rajput’s (Shahid Kapoor’s wife) comments, “I love being at home, I love being a mother to my child, I wouldn’t want to spend one hour a day with my child and rush off to work, why did I have her? She is not a puppy; I want to be there for her as a mother.” She sparked off another debate on motherhood. Can a working mother be guilt free. Those who could quit and stay at home vowed undivided attention to kids. And those who couldn’t, actually, seldom had a choice.

Sukhwinder Kaur, based out of Gurugram, and an MNC employee, belongs to the ‘working mother’s club’. She rues: “Women like me have to justify our salary in office and the little time we get at home with kids. It is like society’s watching over us all the time making a report card — whether I am a sincere mom and a good worker in comparison to a stay-at-home mom.” Many a ‘settle down’ advices were given. 

And here, everything comes at a price, but for advice. It’s free. Comes in abundance from all quarters — family, extended family, friends, acquaintances… Take a wrong one seriously, see the logistics change. 

Sukhwinder, who is a functional analyst for TCS, feels proud of her decision to continue working after becoming a mother and not succumbing to various pressures. “Today, my work and bringing up of my children answer all questions.”

There are even more inspiring examples of women who started working after the birth of their children. Like Amita Kapoor, GM, Usha International. Most of the professional progress at workplace happened after both her kids were born. “I found myself multitasking.” It was just one of the qualities, “I became much more empathetic. I’m now more eager to learn and absorb. Motherhood made me more confident. It made me a better professional.” 

And that is how she settled down!