The perfect solution to pollution

Jug Suraiya

The unprecedented levels of atmospheric pollution have spread from the National Capital Region (NCR) of Delhi and its environs to all parts of the country.  

Realising that combating pollution has become a national priority, which has to be tackled on a war footing, the government sought the help of Baba Ram-Ram Dev, a noted exponent of the ancient physical and spiritual practice of yoga.  

Hearing of this development, “Just Jugglery” went to interview Baba Ram-Ram at his five-star and centrally air-conditioned ashram.

Just Jugglery: Baba Ram-Ram, it’s been reported that you have identified sources of this pollution and found the means to protect ourselves from it. Is that right?

Baba Ram-Ram: Bilkul right.  There was the confusion about the main causes of pollution.  

JJ: There was indeed.  Many said the main cause was exhaust emissions from motorised vehicles.  Others said it was the practice of stubble burning by farmers.  Others blamed it on unrestricted construction activity and unregulated industrial units flagrantly violating environmental norms.  Others said it was the fault of Diwali patakas.  So, according to you, which one of these is the real culprit?

BR-R: All bakwas.  None of them is the real culprit.

JJ: None of them?  Then who — or what — is the real culprit?

BR-R: (tapping his nose): This is the real culprit.  

JJ: Your nose is the real culprit. 

BR-R: Oof, oh.  Don’t be such a budhu.  Not my nose, everyone’s nose. Because everyone uses his/her nose to breathe.  And our noses need to be cured.

JJ: So, our pollution-causing noses can be cured through yoga?

BR-R: Everything can be cured by my form of yoga. You’ve heard of that imposter who shares half my name, and calls himself Baba Ramdev? He claims he can cue homosexuality through yoga.  That’s nothing.  I cannot only cure all those homos with yoga, but also can cure cancer, the common cold and stage-three dandruff through yoga.

JJ: That’s amazing.  But how exactly do you propose to cure pollution through yoga?

BR-R: Simple.  Yoga is all about breath control.  If you learn to control your breath, you can control the effects of pollution, because pollution can affect you only if you breathe it in.  Stop breathing, stop pollution.  Bingo.

JJ: Bingo, indeed.  But isn’t it a bit difficult to stop oneself from breathing?

BR-R: Difficult?  Nonsense!  We yogis stop breathing all the time.  Haven’t you heard about all those yogis who have themselves buried in pits under the earth and are exhumed hours, days, later, all hale and hearty and none the worse for wear?

JJ: I have heard of yogis who can do that. But not all of us can aspire to becoming yogis overnight.

BR-R: I agree.  Overnight is a bit of a tall order, even with me as the instructor.  So, we’ll go by easy stages, one step at a time.  Or, rather, one breath at a time.

JJ: That sounds more like it.  So, what’s the first step?  Or, rather, first breath?

BR-R: The first step, or breath, is to stop breathing for a count of 100.

JJ: Count of 100? That sounds simple enough.  

BR-R: It is simple.  Then keep adding 1, then 2, then 3, and so on, till you reach 1,00,000,697 without breathing.

JJ: 1,00,000,697 without breathing?  And we'll have cured pollution?

BR-R: Not only pollution, you'll have cured all worldly problems and will be forever free of them. 

JJ: Wow.  Is that called nirvana?

BR-R:  No, it’s called death….