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Col Ajay Mehndiratta
I was married at the age of 26, but I found my wife’s behaviour very strange within 24 hours. There was no happiness in her and she would rarely talk. I joined my duty thereafter and my life was miserable, as she would not get up, not brush her teeth and in four to five months, I had to do my Army duty as well as manage the house, including cooking. Being newly married, when I complained about her behaviour to my parents, they did not believe me. She was not willing to meet anyone, and would rarely smile or show any desire to go out. I was amazed and confused.
So, life continued and our son was born in 1967. The child was normal and healthy. It was very obvious that she was not showing any sign of happiness and had to be coaxed to feed the child. This was observed by the doctors also. Everyone had told me that things would improve after she becomes a mother. However, it did not happen. I was serving in border areas and she was living with my parents in Delhi. She showed no love or affection for the child and this was becoming worse. The worst part was that her family avoided her. Whenever I complained to her parents, they said she was perfectly alright before marriage.
She narrated an incident about being molested in school by a man and how she was never the same again, even failing in her class. After this incident, she was depressed and scared, and stopped talking to anyone. When my father heard this, he took her to AIIMS, Delhi, and met the Head of the Psychiatry Department, the late Prof JS Neki, who told my father that she suffered from a mental disorder called Schizophrenia. The doctor provided me a book on such mental disorders and how to handle them. Life is very unpredictable and we never know what is going to happen in future. This problem affected me professionally also. The marriage ended in divorce with mutual consent.
The moment this news spread among friends and relatives, many of them avoided me and no explanation on my part helped. Even after my divorce, I was isolated socially. My son stayed with me.
He was very intelligent, and did very well in studies. However, even when he was a child, he was very adamant and if he made up his mind on some issue, reasonable or unreasonable, he would not relent till his wish was fulfilled at any cost. Being the first grandchild in my family, his every wish was fulfilled by my father. He had two-three good friends but did not mix with anyone else. So I consulted a psychiatrist, and they asked me to watch him for some more time. He passed his Class X with reasonably good marks, and insisted on shifting to Chandigarh from Delhi to pursue engineering. So he came to Chandigarh for pre-engineering much against my wish. He was living with my uncle. He would leave the house, but miss classes, was always late and always sat in the library. He used to read books a lot and had a phenomenal command over English. He failed in his first year of engineering, which was a shock to the family. However, he was adamant to repeat pre-engineering; and failed yet again. I was now convinced he had a problem though he refused to accept it. He grossly neglected his hygiene, was unable to do any of the normal routine activities and yet had grand dreams for himself. I was often depressed, though the only saving grace was that my son had no bad habits like smoking, drinking, drugs, telling lies and was very respectful to everyone.
It took me about 15 years to convince him that he needed to visit a psychiatrist and finally Dr NN Wig in Chandigarh diagnosed him as a case of Bipolar Disorder. However, giving him medicine was a very big challenge. We, as a family, were desperate to see him behave normally like anyone else. Everyone wanted that he should be able to look after himself and manage his affairs, which he was unable to do. I managed to send him to one of the best ‘half-way homes’ in Bangalore. He stayed there for two years, and there was a slight improvement in his behaviour.
However, even at this age (I am 78 now), where I need to be looked after, I have to take care of my son. Even today he is helpless and I am worried who will look after him when I will not be around.
The facility of care of mental patients in our country is very poor. In addition, the attitude of the people and the government towards them is pathetic. I myself went into chronic depression and had to take medicines to recover. Looking after my son is very tough and his nature is unpredictable. Thankfully, he has never harmed anyone. The plight of all those who are caregivers is like mine; isolated by society, lack of any support from the government and lack of awareness from concerned people. I survived as I had the complete support of my family.
My son realises that he has a problem and wants to do everything to recover, but can’t do so despite his best of intentions. It is very sad to see him become so helpless. He wants to be able to look after me, but cannot.
Mental illness is the problem of behaviour of mind, and this can’t be detected by an MRI/CT scan or blood tests. Only the caregivers know the pain and suffering they have to go through while taking care of the mentally ill.
ajay.mehndiratta@gmail.com