Dating? Red flags you need to look out for

Olivia Petter

It’s important to be open-minded when you start dating someone. Sure, you might hate the way they cut their toenails in bed or leave dirty dishes on the sink like they’re curating an exhibition, but these things aren’t exactly deal breakers. Real dating red flags tend to be a little more complex than habits you could pass off as behavioural quirks.

And in today’s love at first swipe culture, they’re more nuanced than ever. According to dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree, a red flag can be defined as “something your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity or interest towards the relationship”.

Hesitant in labeling the relationship

If Shakespeare was still around, perhaps he’d be able to give us a hand when it comes to understanding the ever-expanding language of love. Unfortunately, the bard died in 1616, leaving us to make sense of lexical ambiguities like “seeing someone” and “hanging out” all on our own. We live in a world where there now are many words to describe one’s relationship that are conveniently non-committal and also, somewhat meaningless. But if after a few months the person you’re dating/seeing/snogging/pulling/spooning refuses to label it (i.e. call you their girlfriend or boyfriend), it could be a major red flag.

You don’t feature on their social media accounts

This is niche and should come with a disclaimer: if you or your partner are not on social media, or you use Instagram solely to follow cat fan accounts, you can probably ignore the following.

But if you are someone whose partner scrolls through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook religiously and has a history of featuring exes on their profile, Roantree says it might be bad news. “It might mean they don’t see you as a long-term option, or that they are not ready to show you to the world,” she explains. The one exception? If it’s a business account.

There’s a power imbalance

Dating is about working together to support one another in equal measure, says dating coach James Preece. Being in a happy relationship should feel like being in the best kind of team, he says. If it doesn’t, and it seems like one of you is constantly exerting control over the other, who is more submissive, consider it a bright red flag, he tells.

“Signs of a power imbalance can take the form of jealousy or controlling behaviour,” he explains. “Both can lead to the end of a relationship, so try to deal with this early on.” 

You express your feelings to one another differently

It’s a good thing to have a yin and yang balance in a relationship: what you lack, your partner provides and vice versa. But one instance when this could be concerning is when it applies to how you express your love and affection.

It could be that you’re more of a romantic wordsmith — you constantly tell your partner you adore them and inundate them with compliments — while your partner is less appreciative of effusive compliments and favours kind-hearted actions. The tricky thing is that if you’re one way inclined, it may lead you to expect the same kind of behaviour from your partner, and when you don’t receive it, it can be disappointing, explains Preece.

Your friends or family hate them

If the people who know you the best do not like your partner, it’s an obvious red flag, says Preece. “Sometimes it’s easy to get blinkered and only see what you want to see, but if your family or friends clearly don’t like your partner then you need to understand why.”

Of course, not everything can be happy families and some people simply don’t get on. But if you start to hear more negativity from your friends and family members, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.

One of you is keeping secrets

If you or your partner is hiding something from the other, it’s going to do inevitable damage to your relationship at some point and is a definite red flag, says Preece.

“We don’t need to share every little thought with our partner.  But if one of you has something major on their mind that they are hiding, then it’s going to be problematic because keeping secrets can interfere with your happiness.” 

No compromise

You’re never going to agree on everything with your partner, that much is a given. For example, a recent study found that nearly one in 10 couples split during house renovations with 15 per cent claiming they were “constantly at each other’s throats”. But learning to find a middle ground and ways to compromise on key issues is hugely important for a relationship to thrive, dating coach James Preece explains. “Compromise is all about looking for the halfway point where both parties can be happy.”

— The Independent