Trees for grooms

Aradhika  Sharma

As we sat down with our respective lunches in the office cafeteria today, Sabrina told Shobha: I was thinking of having some friends over for a traditional meal on Saturday. Do you think you could give me a leaf from your banana tree? I’ll cut them up and serve on banana leaf plates. 

Shobha: Sure! I’ll send one to your house. Vaise, you know, I’m sick of guarding my banana tree.

Me: Why? Is it in fruit or are people simply breaking off the leaves for auspicious occasions?

Shobha: It is much worse! People keep getting their manglik daughters married to it. Apparently, it’s to ensure that their mangal dosh doesn’t kill their husbands.

We gaped at her: What! You’ve got to be kidding.

Shobha: I’m serious! They don’t even care if the tree dies. After all, he is their first husband, right?

Me (laughing): Shobha, if you get your tree married so many times, you could get arrested for assisting polygamy.

Sabrina: Well, it’s a handsome tree, you must admit. Tall, upright chap, with beautiful leaves. Productive too! Kamau puttar!

Mandy: Vaise, how would you know if it’s a ‘him’? Can you tell the gender of a tree?

Shobha: Humph! Laugh and joke all you will, but it’s not funny to wake up to a crowd of people chanting mantras and crowding the entrance of your house. We can’t even read the newspaper in peace. 

Sabrina: Why don’t you call the police?

Shobha: Mostly, they have the ‘wedding’ in the wee hours of the morning. We usually wake up after the deed has been done only to find the litter of flowers and decorations. And the poor tree has sindoor smeared all over it and mauli tied around it again. 

Me: But Shobha, seriously, this custom is so darn regressive! Are people still doing this sort of a thing?

Shobha: You’d be surprised at the rishtas I get! Even educated people show up at my doorstep to get their manglik daughters married to my tree. The other day, a very fashionable lady stepped out from a Lamborghini and asked to have a ‘small ceremony’ for her daughter and the tree.

Sabrina: Then?

Shobha: I told her that I don’t subscribe to atavistic customs and wouldn’t perpetuate them. And can you believe it, she offered me money.

Me (laughing): Dowry for the tree! What next?

Shobha: Last week one fellow tried to axe down my tree after getting his sister married to it. I caught him just in time! He said that the manglik curse is broken only when the tree is cut down. 

Me: Then?

Shobha: I called the police and got him arrested. Cutting trees is a criminal offence.

Sabrina: Remember, Aishwarya Rai also got married to a tree before marrying Abhishekh Bachchan? It's too bad if celebrities endorse this sort of a thing, isn’t it?

We nodded.

Mandy: Vaise, these tree grooms are a lucrative deal. Where can I buy some banana saplings for my backyard?