Who moved my aviyal?

Aradhika  Sharma

I was waiting for my friend at a popular South Indian restaurant. On the next table sat two ladies exchanging pleasantries over a glass of rasam. One was visibly upset. 

“How dare Kerala tourism distort and misrepresent our aviyal?” she demanded irately, adjusting the pallu of her Kasavu saree.

“Meaning?” asked the second lady, clearly from North India, biting into the complimentary papadam.

Malayali lady: “Aiyo! Haven’t you heard? The entire Malayali community is up in arms about how Kerala tourism has posted the picture of a simply abominable aviyal on their website.

North Indian Lady: Why? Isn’t it a dish from Kerala?

ML: Of course, it is. It’s an iconic Kerala dish, but the picture they’ve posted is that of a soggy mixed veg stir-fry with coconut. And tomato in aviyal? Amma would die if she were to see such blasphemy!”

Meanwhile, the North Indian lady had accessed the offending picture on her phone. “Looks fine to me, though it’s not as tempting as a picture of tandoori chicken!” she said. “Bhai, the Kerala tourism site is meant for tourists, most of who don’t know what aviyal is anyway. You Mallus are too sensitive.”

ML (irritated): Listen, firstly, you please stop calling my community ‘Mallu’. We are Malayalees.”

NIL: Mallu, Malayalee, same thing no? C’mon, let’s order a dahi bhalla.

ML: You won’t get dahi-bhallas in a South Indian restaurant. You will get dahi-vadas.

Unfazed, the NIL signalled the waiter and ordered two plates of the dish with the contested nomenclature. She then requested some ‘tamatar ki sauce’ to pour over the ‘bhallas’. Her friend looked nauseated.

NIL: Vaise, I do think that Madrasis are nice people. Very intellectual also. Does the coconut oil you eat and apply make you so brainy?”

ML: Enthiredey? You Punjabis are obsessed with the capital of Tamil Nadu. I’m from Kerala. There’s no Madras anymore anyway. Ketta?

NIL (soothingly): Chalo, no problem. Achcha, the reason I asked you to meet me today was to ask if you would be able to arrange a job for my cousin in the Gulf?

ML: No. I don’t have any connections in Saudi.

NIL: How can that be? All Madrasis have relatives in Saudi… I mean, Malayalees.

ML muttered ‘Madrasi’ cuss words under her breath.

NIL (undeterred): Yaar, I recently saw 2.0. Your Rajinikanth was awesome! But nothing to beat the ‘Mallu aunties’!

ML: I also love Rajinikanth, but he is not ‘ours’. He is a Maharashtrian who lives in Tamil Nadu. Secondly, we really haven’t patented blowsy soft porn stars. They come in all nationalities, as I’m sure you’ve checked.

NIL (soothingly): Chalo, theek hai, but I still can’t imagine why Mallus are so upset over the aviyal picture.

ML: Let me explain. Suppose the Punjab tourism website posted a picture and labelled it ‘tandoori chicken’…

NIL: Yummy!

ML: ...but was actually masala chicken!

NIL: What? Insulting our tandoori chicken! I can’t take it!

The Malayalee lady smirked and tucked into her dahi-vada!