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Navigating the complex millennials

I was frantically calling up my maid. She hadn’t come for the past few days and I was wondering and worried.

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Divya Dutta

I was frantically calling up my maid. She hadn’t come for the past few days and I was wondering and worried.

I sent another maid to check on her and was told that she was very unwell and her husband hadn’t even taken her to the hospital.  She had been waiting all those days, while in pain, for her husband to get her checked...I spoke to the husband who seemed very casual about it as he was busy. I wonder if he would have even bothered to take her had I not asked him a few times. What kind of relationship is that... in the lower strata of society too, such incompatible relationships exist but no one even hears about them as they remain in the confines of their houses. Rarely would you hear of divorces and separations.

When she came back home I asked her if all was well with her husband and she managed a forced smile and nodded. I could make out that a million words were waiting to pour out but she was holding them with a smile…and holding back something else too…tears. She was taught that marriage is for life… and to overlook the little or big squabbles and quarrels!

The same evening I was invited by one of my friend’s mother to put some sense in her head as she was seeking separation from her husband…she was barely married for an year and she wanted to get out as he didn’t take her out for holidays and had no time as he was too busy.

As I sat listening to both the ladies, aunty kept repeating, “in our times one never heard of this word! We used to adjust beta! Kids have no tolerance.” I would agree to that! 

But then I also wondered about our parents’ and grandparents’ generations, were those perfect marriages? No. They had their share of differences but they didn’t have choices. 

Separation was never an option! Well, mostly. I still see one of my uncle and aunt in Mumbai having crazy fights at 70. Not the harmless ones but those serious ones where one partner has even gone into depression... but they do not address it... they live with it as a part of life. I wonder why they keep making life hell for each other.

Yes, our generation has options and choices as there are more opportunities, more independence! But are we making the correct use of it? If our elders stayed too long in messy relationships, we on the other hand are in too much of a hurry to end it.

Our parents gave it too much time and we don’t give any at all! The best way I guess is the midway somewhere…

With two people living together, there are bound to be differences... it’s normal. In fact, those little fights sometimes are important too, to understand each other well. That is where we need tolerance, adjustment and patience and warmth, to go past those stumbling blocks and build a healthy relationship. You have to give it time to nurture… it’s not a quick fix arrangement… that if it’s not working, leave it… next move. No you need to give it your precious time.

But if there are serious basic issues... like major incompatibility, abuse even if it’s emotional, then yes move out immediately!

I think we need to take some tolerance lessons from our elders and at the same time be aware that in a worst case scenario, we do have options! That’s how freedom  should be best used.

In the evening, my maid came smiling and shyly showed me her new clothes. “He bought it for me...! I wasn’t well na...he has promised he’ll take care in future.” I really thought that’s how life is when we accept people for who they are... which might not be a joyride totally…but won’t be bad too... that’s how life is na…and that’s how relationships are. Thode khatte thode meethe.

(Dutta is a Bollywood actor)

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